When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Have you ever held the hand of the love of your life while blasting Pachebel's Canon in D over earphones? The sweetness of this moment... brings me to tears. =)
6:49 PM
Why am I lost?
I know not why.
Perhaps I do.
"I don't know" is just a lie.
I could have communicated with him in real time, floating over my wild thoughts and often incomprehensible deliberations and considerations that far exceed reasonable limits of human cognition. But I chose not to. I am a coward really. I can't forego the security and second chance given by the option to hit on "backspace" to rephrase and reconsolidate my sometimes bizarre thoughts. The puny space within my cranial cavity doesn't hold enough substance to generate lightning fast responses to counter his remarks and words shot out with the ferocity and velocity of machine gun rounds.
So here I am, sheltered within the comfort zone of my humble blog space. To shout my thoughts aloud here is hardly thoroughly satisfactorily, especially since he is right next to me, but in my opinion rather wise and prudent. For the good of him, for me, and for us. To sort out the complicated knots within my head first before letting him know how I feel would prevent much unnecessary and unintended hurt, no?
Erms. I'm not sure actually. Ah wells.
Biovalley... aikes. I have almost resigned to the fate that I wasn't selected for the second round of interview. I felt a lil, shocked, perturbed, even affronted, insulted and slighted. It jerked me awake to the limits of my capabilities within this college, and I went on long walks to clear my thoughts and replay the scene of the first interview in my mind, wondering and analyzing what has gone wrong, where it went off track, and a gadzillion stuff pertaining to this issue.
Do I really wanna go to Philly for an internship? I'm not sure. I really am not. Thinking back it appears to be rather strange that I didn't consult The One up there for advice, or to even lament to the stars and galaxies beyond the Milky Way. Perhaps for far too long and far too many issues, they have remained as silent as Baal. Not even with 450 prophets praying fervently en masse did an omnipotent being create a miracle; not even with Elijah mocking the same 450 prophets and provoking their God.
My thoughts are extremely disjointed now. It almost feels as though there is a tower of Babel right there in between my eyes, and people of all races speaking different tongues are making a hell lot of noise inside. Damnit, my eyes are a lil' dry and deprived of oxygen too. Bad day.
Ok ok... I've ranted long enough. Still I haven't touched on what lost me, or rather, why I feel lost. I factored him in my decision to apply for Biovalley. Right at the beginning, even before I emailed my profs for advice and recommendation letters, I did. Would I bear to fly around to the other side of the globe and spend one year there without him? I do not know. I vaguely remember asking him for his opinion, and I vaguely remember him asking me to go for it, and that he shouldn't be the reason behind me not applying.
Just as I've learnt to accept and resign to my fate, there comes along an email telling me I've gotten into the second round of interviews. How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to know what lies ahead for me? Aikes. And I thought there is no reason to worry anymore.
Then again, why am I worrying now? There is no guarantee that I'll pass the interview with the academic panel. My records aren't all the glam. Aikes.
